In the grey of this early morning’s dawn with the light dusting of white blanketing the trees, memories rise up of holidays gone.

On Thanksgiving morning, we’d trek north to visit Grandpa at the lake.

I remember peering over the back seat of that old Buick leSabre as we’d come up over the last hill on Route 59 north into Antioch, straining to be the first to see St Peter’s Church steeple.

When I’d announce, “I see it! I see it!”, my brothers would argue that I couldn’t possibly see it - no way, no how.

They were right of course. I was never the first to see the point up over that hill.

The woes of defeat were short lived, however, because in five minutes we’d be at Grandpas and really,

that was all that mattered.

Tags: holiday memories

The  story people quote of the day managed once again to hit the nail square on the head. These daily statements are like horoscopes. Most often they seem to fit right into where my mind is at. 

 

“I held out my hands & asked where I could help & somebody grabbed me & pointed me towards the future & said, You've got your work cut out for you & I said, isn't there anything easier? & he laughed & said you could dig around in the past, but it's just busywork & that made perfect sense so I shrugged & started right where I was, along with everyone else…”

 

….Well not quite everyone else.  

 

I’ve now gotten past all the stages of being lost, sympathethic, sad, pathethic, or angry. I don’t have enough energy to expend on all of that. I thought perhaps I set the expectation too high, only to recant on it so many times that there is no expectation left. 
Now my energy is pretty much just eaten up
by  disappointment.   And in my gut I think that feels worse that everything else combined.

Reading the Book

===
I thought it odd
that the Marker held at
the page of Disbelief.
Remembering the first time the force of Reality hit,
The Guilt rampant
The Intensity of the Pain
Dreams scattered in the fibers of your shattered mirror,
the crevasse so deep beyond measure, I thought them
Unrecoverable
I thought you the same. Just Lost
and you were Gone
into your Nothingness.

And then in every passage following,
the pain reflects still
in trying to separate
emotion
memories
passion
emptiness
lust
need
negotiating peaks and valleys
in the effort to climb out of the abyss

Then
into the light
you start living again.
The Effort exuding
selfish reasons
albeit the right ones still -
to strengthen the human being
to expand the person
to hold close to your heart
this experience
this coupling
forever
Not releasing a breath of what you have...
by in Exhaling it would be lost.

No fear
Continuing forward.
Not the same as you recover further.

Be it always a sacred place
Never thrown to the wind,
Never tossed aside
Never forgotten.
It threads into the threshold of what is tomorrow.
Beyond Love.

i have it figured out
but it could be a change that
not everyone is ready for

at one time, that may have mattered

but now
since no one,
inclusive of everybody,
really cares one way or the other
does it really matter if they will be ready

or not?

Acclimate
find the Balance
be a Co-partner
trash the Distrust
Envelope the Freedom
Give Haste to the  Idleness
Just know the Limits
Kill the Monotony
Nullify the Obstinance
Ponder the Quietude
Reunite
Secure Time
Uncover the Veneer
Waste no time
eXploring Your Zen

Current Mood: thoughtful

feeling like one of those plastic grocery bags
with a seemingly endless life
used
reused
used again
balled up in a fist
stuffed and buried in the bottom of a bin
held there
until retrieved
only to have the wrinkles smoothed out
to be used again
and then when finally wearing thin
the wind catches me

the false sense of freedom
is short lived

tossing me about with no
particular direction in mind
lastly tangling in life's branches
only to be even more battered
shredded  even more thin and
worn down
until only remnants remain
leaving me virtually
of no use
to anyone

you didn't ask
but if you were to
i'd answer you

you didn't look
but if you were to
i'd show you

you didn't hear
but if you were to
i'd tell you

it wouldn't take much
if you'd even reached out to touch
but then

to feel

would be beyond anything you could comprehend

Tags: isolation
Current Mood: sad

here i am again
again, here i am

summer turned fall
fell into winter
winter sprung spring

here i am again
again, here i am

Tags: seasons
Current Mood: complacent

Thinking perhaps I would find some incentive to write – Not that one should actually have to go and search for it, but, well, you know how it is. 

 

I wait ...

 

Gathering those innermost emotions,

then coaxing them out through my fingertips,

thus, energizing my mind and encouraging my being. 

 

They always do, you know - giving me hope that this life, as it is,

has a purpose and some function.

 

I wait ...

 

The grey clouds any vision of desire and hope,

forcing the question whether 

a future exists at all.

Walls grow taller

Light ceases to exist

It becomes cold.

the extreme quiet deepens along with the crevice,

 

It becomes yet more difficult to climb out.

 

I wait ...

 

for that right time -

that right moment -

that right opportunity -

 

I watch it come around

and then go

yet again,

as it continues to pass by, 

just out of reach.

Current Mood: melancholy

        Can't run away

        Can't even hide

 

        Tried

 

        Failed

    

        Facing new challenges daily

        Finding some strength in persevering

        Enveloped in daily to-dos

 

        Having no direction

       

        Sustaining

 

        Waiting

    

        For what

        I'm not sure

    

        Sleeping little

        Working lots

        Worrying more

    

        Just being me.